Sceptical about mediation

First I met the wife. She was tearful because of the way the children had been affected. And she was intimidated by the thought of being in the same room as her husband. Then I met him. He was angry that she’d ended things and had left him two years previously. They were both equally sceptical about mediation. They’d previously hired solicitors and, when that had got them nowhere, they assumed that they would need to go to court.

The first few joint mediation sessions were not easy for either of them. Their divorce was being handled online. The online administrators had made a mistake and the divorce had gone badly wrong which was holding things up. The husband thought the wife was causing the delay intentionally. Years of unspoken mutual antipathy mixed up with resentment simmering under the surface meant that what little trust they had was stretched almost to breaking point.

The neutral corner

With a mediator in their corner, they were at least able to focus on their common goals rather than their differences. They stuck to the order of the process and made progress. I thought I’d seen a miracle when I asked them what financial settlement they each wanted. They seemed to want pretty much the same thing. Yet, for some reason, neither could bring themselves to settle.

I thought I’d lost them when came into the fifth mediation session. Each was muttering darkly about how they needed closure. They had been to see their lawyers and had seemingly been encouraged to believe they would get a quicker, better outcome by going to court.

Listen and be heard

Initially, I didn’t understand them. They both wanted the same thing yet they were stuck. Then the penny dropped. It wasn’t the money that was causing the impasse but a deep need to be heard. And so I gave them each the chance to speak. Even though I was concerned it might make things worse.

Yet instead of bitter recriminations and a complete breakdown, they listened. They acknowledged the positive contributions that the other had made and gave mutual heart-felt apologies for the upset that their actions had led to. And with that, they agreed to accept the proposal that had been tabled previously. They stood up, hugged each other and wept. They even agreed to jointly buy future Christmas and birthday presents for their children.

Children benefit

It was a powerfully emotional ending. I got Goosebumps on my arms. It had been a real privilege to work with two people so willing to dig deep when divorcing to find whatever it was that was needed in order to settle the years of acrimony. They and their children will benefit from this for the rest of their lives.

Writing letters or going to court can’t achieve an outcome like this. Try mediation first.

Stephen G Anderson

e : [email protected]

w : www.andmediation.com