Category Archives: Article

Sorting out the Money

Article, Blog, Divorce, Family mediation

by Louisa Whitney, LKW Family Mediation

Sorting out money issues can seem hugely complicated and many people feel utterly overwhelmed because they just don’t know where to start and how to tackle this huge issue.  Essentially the process can be broken down into three main stages:

Information gathering and exchanging.  

You can’t make decisions about money until you know what money you have.  So you need to get together information about your finances and then exchange it with your ex partner so you get their documents (or copies of so you still both have your own information) and they get yours.  You each then look through this and clarify anything you’re not clear about.  This might be asking them to explain something or it might be asking for more documents or information so you feel confident that you have all the information you need to make informed decisions.

The length of time this takes can vary dramatically.  If you’ve handled money jointly during the marriage then you may both be familiar with what you have already.  If one person tended to take care of finances during the marriage then the other person may need to ask more questions because it’s something they’re not familiar with.  They may also need some help understanding certain aspects of finances.  It will also take longer if you have a number of assets than if you just have a house and a job and that’s it.

Looking at what you need

Looking at what you’re going to need is also an essential part of the process.  Firstly, both of you need to have somewhere you can live.  That’s really important and there are different ways of housing yourselves.  One of you might remain in the family home, or you may both find new homes.  You might be renting or buying another property or you might look at a shared ownership property so you need less capital. It can help to look at different options so you have an idea of the different costs involved in each.  

You also need to know how much money you need to live off to pay all your bills and outgoings over the course of the year.  This should include things you pay for monthly and yearly and also some budget for unexpected happenings like the washing machine breaking down.  Start with what you would like your life to look like.  You can always trim down your expenditure later if the figures don’t match up (or look at increasing your income).

You may also have other needs such as a new car (maybe you only had one family car and you now each need a car?) or you might need to purchase furniture or other large household goods like an oven or a fridge.

Some people think they should work out what money they will get and then look at what that could get them but it’s far better to know what you need and then tailor the resources you have to meet those needs (even if you have to revise your expectations a bit and be a little creative).

Looking at how what you have can meet your needs

Once you know what your needs are and what money you have you can then look at how you can use what money you have to meet your needs.  This part of the process is often an exercise in negotiation but also in creative thinking and making your money goes as far as possible.  It also gives you a chance to look at whether you’re maximising your income and whether you could be a bit smarter with the resources you have by trimming your budget or by looking at other options like shared ownership properties or the government’s Help to Buy scheme.

If you find it hard to talk about money between yourselves then you can use different processes to support you in finding a resolution to money issues.  These are:

  • Family mediation – usually the quickest and therefore most cost effective process.  You talk about things together in the same room but a mediator helps to structure your discussions (and the providing of financial information) and provides information and suggestions to help you.
  • Collaborative practice – this is similar to mediation in that you discuss things round a table but you each have a specially trained lawyer rather than one specially trained mediator.  The emphasis is on being constructive and putting your children’s needs first.  Everybody agrees to resolve things in that process and not go to court.
  • Negotiation – this can take place between yourselves or between lawyers or a combination of the two.  It can also be down round a table rather than with letters going backwards and forwards.
  • What these three options have in common is that you decide what happens for both of you regarding money with support.  If you can’t decide then you look at one of the processes below where somebody else makes a decision for you (and then you have to abide by what they say)
  • Court process – in the court process everybody uses the same process regardless of whether you have £5 in the bank or £5 million.  You get on the wheel and you stay there until everything is resolved.
  • Arbitration – if going to court is like having an operation on the NHS then arbitration is like going private.  You appoint a qualified arbitrator (either by choosing someone recommended to you or by asking the IFLA to chose one for you) and you can tailor the process to your individual needs in terms of how it is structured, how much information you provide and how quickly you want a decision.

Once you have found the resolution that you think will work for you, you then look at formalising this to ensure that you both stick to what you’ve agreed.

If you’d like more in depth guidance on sorting out money as part of your separation then you can download a video webinar together with a workbook that will talk you through resolving money issues step by step.  Have a look at our online shop.

Family Mediation: A Conversation Worth Having

Article

The Family Mediation Council has published the results of its 2019 Family Mediation Survey of family mediators. Conducted in Autumn 2019, the results show that family mediation is a highly successful way of helping separating couples resolve disputes, with mediation successful in over 70% of cases. These success rates are consistent with figures from previous studies, including government studies.

The survey also shows that where both of the people separating go and see a family mediator for an initial individual assessment meeting, three quarters choose to go on to mediate.

John Taylor, chair of the Family Mediation Council said ‘it is not surprising that so many people who attend a first meeting with a mediator chose to go on to mediate. The meeting (sometimes called a Mediation Information and Assessment meeting, or MIAM) provides people with an opportunity to find out what family mediation is, how it might work for them and the practicalities and costs involved, as well as the alternatives if they choose not to mediate. Once people realise that family mediation is less expensive than being represented in court proceedings, as well as being less stressful and quicker than the court process, most realise it is a conversation worth having.’

Participants agree…

“I was impressed by the process and particularly by the empathy, professionalism and tenacity of the mediators. There is no question that without attending this process could not have been concluded without considerable cost and acrimony.”

“Thank you so much for helping us through the mediation process and getting us to an agreement without too much blood being shed.”

Whilst family mediation clearly works, there are still low levels of awareness meaning families are still missing out. This is a particular concern where families are eligible for free mediation, via the legal aid scheme.

Taking place from 20-24 January 2020, Family Mediation Week aims to raise awareness of mediation and how it can help separating families manage their issues collaboratively and productively.

Keep visiting the website as during the week, we’ll be publishing resources, information and blogs to . . .

  • Explain family mediation – answer your questions and debunk the myths
  • Help separating couples decide whether mediation is for them
  • Discuss the benefits of family mediation
  • Connect separating couples with mediation professionals

Caught up in the storm

Article, Blog, Divorce, Family mediation

by Philippa Johnson, Family Mediators Association

People don’t make the decision to end a long-term relationship lightly, especially when children are involved. Divorce and separation are two of the most painful life events anyone ever goes through. They can lead people to question everything they thought they knew about themselves and their lives. They are overwhelming. It can feel like being caught in a storm, with the rain pouring down, thunder crashing around you and lightning breaking the sky open; you don’t know which way to turn.

You are probably exhausted; your life may seem out of control and the prospect of calm and safety a very long way away. Most people feel confused and, at the same time, full of strong emotions. The grief, sadness, pain and often anger that you may feel about the past will be mixed up with the anxiety and even panic that you may be feeling about the family’s future, most especially what the future will look like for your children. You will definitely be stressed by the uncertainty and the strength of the emotions. Stress is known to be damaging to your health, both mental and physical.

So what should you do?

A good first step is to get some information about your situation. As with most things in life these days, you will probably start with the internet, where the basics can be found for free, provided you are looking in the right place. Do be careful though – there is lots of misinformation out there, as well as lots of information that isn’t relevant to England and Wales.

The UK government website www.gov.uk has some clear, straightforward information on it. If you are living in England and Wales, here is a good place to start. If you have children you may be interested in what the NSPCC has to say about separation and divorce. Other independent organisations with good websites containing useful information include: the Citizen’s Advice Bureau, Relate, the charity Gingerbread, and the charity Family Lives.

All these websites mention the benefits of trying to sort your situation out by reaching agreements between yourselves. That may seem a dreadful idea at the moment, while you are still caught up in the storm. It is certainly a very difficult thing to do alone. But with good professional help, most people are eventually able to work things out between themselves, without involving the courts. The evidence shows that in lots of different ways this is better for everyone in the family, especially the children.

So, where can you find good professional help? Talking to a family mediator is a good place to start. Family mediators work with families to help them to make decisions together: they offer an impartial and confidential service to people who are choosing to try to make decisions together, rather than asking someone else to make the decision for them. It can be very helpful to get some legal advice early as well, if you can afford it – family mediators never give advice about your particular situation although they will give you lots of information about the law and about research into what works for children.

What else should you do?

We recommend finding someone who can help you work through all the strong emotions you are feeling. Friends can be a wonderful source of support. Talking things through with a professional therapist can be even better, as they have lots of experience working with people in crisis and will be able to suggest strategies that have worked in the past for other people.

Some of the most important things you can do, according to the professionals, include:

Giving yourself permission to take time for yourself – just like on an aeroplane, you can’t help anyone else until you have helped yourself!

Focusing as much as possible on the future and what will improve things – that doesn’t mean ignoring any anger and guilt you feel; it does mean working towards forgiveness and leaving blame behind as much as possible.

The key thing is that you don’t have to do this alone – whatever your situation is, there are people who can help make the process of separation better for everyone involved.

National Family Mediation Week 20th- 24th January 2020, Click here to find out everything you need to know about Family Mediation and how it can help.

Improving handovers for children of separated parents

Article, Blog, Divorce, Family mediation

By Ashley Palmer and Leigh Moriaty, the Handover Book

In 2017 we published the UK’s first ever Handover Book which is a communication tool for separated parents. The book was conceived in the context of our relationship with many separated families who were searching for a resource that enabled them to reduce parental conflict, improve communication and create a more robust co-parenting relationship post separation.

This article aims to provide an explanation of why the book was created in the context of our many years’ experience of working therapeutically with children and families.

Since it’s delivery to the world of family law, the book has been gaining momentum both in the UK and Australia. It is fast being recognised as an invaluable tool in the context of Family Mediation, Court ordered parenting programmes and across the field of Alternative Dispute Resolution.

In the UK, the Handover Book is now court ordered for separated parents involved in court proceedings and is recommended by Court Consultants in their Section 7 reports.

As a Systemic Family Psychotherapist, Mediator and consultant for Collaborative Law, I have for many years immersed myself in the world of working with families presenting with a myriad of difficulties and dilemmas in many contexts. My curiosity has grown over time in relation to how best to support clients through the transition of separation and divorce. How to assist parents with being able to navigate their own journeys of separating whilst centralizing the emotional and physical needs of their children.

Conflict is a normal and inevitable part of family life. However, the inability to resolve conflict and move forward in a constructive way can have a negative impact on parents and children’s psychological well-being both in the short term and over time. Wittgenstein (1958) suggests that if mediation is deemed a success then parties involved know how to ‘go on’.

Reflecting on my work with separated parent’s positions me to consider some of the common dilemmas presented in the context of my work.

Entrenched stories of conflict, blame and hostility towards one another. Winslade and Monk (2000) suggest that for those of us working with separated parents our goal is to contribute to building a story of a relationship that is incompatible with the continuing dominance of the conflict and that we need to open the space for people to make discursive shifts.

When this can be achieved, we create new future possibilities for enabling parents to be able to mentalize about their child’s emotional fragility and to consider what needs to be different in relation to facilitating a smooth transition between homes post-separation.

Whilst consulting with children in the context of this work, I have heard all too often a dominant narrative of experience which is punctuated by episodes in which a child feels painfully positioned between waring parents. A sense of divided loyalty, blame and a responsibility for passing and filtering information from one parent to another. In its extreme these children will resist contact with one parent and align themselves with the other because the turmoil is too great to bear. Sadly, the unresolved parental conflict will often lead to long and protracted court proceedings and the presentation of emotional difficulties for the child in the future.

Research over the last decade has provided deeper insight into not only the outcomes for children of exposure to destructive conflict but also how children are affected and why some children appear more vulnerable or resilient than others. Research has also focussed on how family relationship patterns are passed from one generation to the next. One explanation is that conflict between parents disturbs other relationships within the family such as between a parent and child. (Grych and Fincham, 2001). There is also evidence to suggest that a family environment marked by destructive conflict affects normal developmental processes, such as brain development, which in turn affect children’s emotional, behavioural and social development. Goozen et al, 2007)

An integral part of my work with separated parents is to support parents to understand the importance of their own emotional regulation in order that they hold in mind the positive effect that this will have on their child’s emotional development by increasing their child’s sense of security and belonging. In turn, this will enable them to accept and trust in the attachment relationship.

A child transitioning between both homes may experience a parent presenting as highly anxious before and after contact with the other parent because the parents are conflicted and distrustful of one another. This may be verbalized or covertly communicated through action. Often, in my experience children of highly conflicted separated parents are highly attuned to the subtle messages of concern that parents display.

When a child feels unable to talk about their experience of contact in either home this can also exacerbate parental anxiety. A vital component to children feeling able to have the emotional permission to have a close and loving relationship with both parents is their ability to express their feelings and emotions without fear of upsetting a parent or contributing to the already conflicted parental relationship. This process is often referred to as emotional literacy which is the ability to recognise, understand, manage and appropriately express emotions. Children who are able to do this are often more able to initiate a helpful response from others and develop strategies for coping and building resilience.

In my experience, it becomes essential for children of separated parents to be able to develop these skills. Sometimes as part of the therapeutic work this is about supporting and developing one or both parent’s ability to do this with their child. If a child is only able to achieve this with one parent they will feel the need to ‘hold it together’ for the duration of the contact with that parent but on returning to the other parent whereby they feel emotionally contained their presentation is often one of ‘emotional dysregulation’ which in turn raises that parents anxiety about their time in the care of the other parent.

Arising from our work with separated families, the issues of concern highlighted in this article are common, regardless of the context in which parents are engaging in a service to resolve issues arising from the separation. Whether that be mediation, collaborative law, parenting programmes or therapy. What appeared to be evident was that armed with a plethora of information about the need to develop a workable co-parenting relationship which centralized the needs of the children, parents were often unsure as to how to implement this approach.

The Handover Book creates the opportunity for children to see their parents working co-operatively and diminishes children feeling a sense of divided loyalty. Furthermore, it increases their ability to develop their emotional permission to have a loving relationship with both parents.

The book which is passed from one parent to another aims to reduce conflict and improve communication post-separation.

It is designed for separated parents but it will also be a fantastic resource for any professional working with separated parents who believe in a constructive and non-confrontational approach to Family Law. It centralizes the practical and emotional needs of the child and the completion of the book creates the development of a robust co-parenting plan. The book is divided into sections relating to all areas of a child’s life which parents need to be involved in such as contact arrangements, education and health.

Because this is a book which should be shared with all family members, there is also a children’s section in order for their voice to be heard. Through the correct use of the book, children are encouraged to talk positively about their experiences in both homes which in turn will enable them to have the ’emotional permission’ to have a positive relationship with both parents. We have also included some therapeutic tools for parents in order to support and encourage them to talk to their children about how they are feeling.

In the UK, a number of family law professionals have undergone training to deliver Handover Book sessions for parents wanting to get the most out of the book. We are in the process of developing an on-line training programme for our colleagues in Australia in order to equip them with the skills needed for delivering these sessions with parents alongside FDRS already currently offered.

The aim of the Handover Book session is for an experienced practitioner to guide parents through the process of implementing The Handover Book which is a working tool which if used correctly will improve parental communication, reduce conflict and create a robust co-parenting relationship post-separation.

At the Handover Book session, the practitioner will navigate parents through each section of the book in relation to what information needs to be shared as well as the practicalities of using the book so that their children can transition from one home to the other as smoothly as possible thus reducing the likelihood of fraught and stressful handovers.

The Handover Book is in its infancy. In light of this, to date research is qualitative. Feedback from professionals working in the arena of Family Law has been extremely positive. For professionals working with parents involved in on-going court proceedings, the book is being used as an evidenced based assessment tool for ascertaining parent’s commitment to working cooperatively in developing a co-parenting relationship. Court ordered parenting programmes are integrating the book as part of the course programme to give parents a workable tool to implement their knowledge gained on the course. When used as part of the mediation process, completion of the book forms the basis for a robust co-parenting plan.

But let’s bring it back to what this book is really about!!

On-going conflict and hostility can have a profound effect on children’s emotional wellbeing and shape the formation of their relationships for years to come. The ability for children to transition smoothly between both homes, talk openly about their experiences to both parents and be confident in the knowledge that having a close and loving relationship with both parents post separation is integral to their development.

Whilst in principle parents understand the importance of shielding their children from conflict and hostility, in reality this can be a struggle. Quite often, parents can be blaming of each other, fearful of losing their relationship with their child or resentful about the breakdown of their relationship. This conflict is played out post separation through the use of destructive communication, exposing the children to explosive handovers or positioning the children to pass information from one parent to another. In its extreme, parents can alienate their children from the other parent exacerbating the child’s sense of divided loyalty and inability to feel that they have the emotional permission to have a close and loving relationship with both parents.

It is our hope that The Handover Book will assist professionals to support separated parents to strengthen their parental alliance and in doing so develop a co-parenting relationship for the future.

For further information and to place an order visit:
www.thehandoverbook.co.uk